Just something lighthearted for a change. Ants have a thing for me.
September 23, 2023
It didn’t take long after I arrived in Philippines that my old Nemesis tracked me down. I am speaking, of course, of the ants. We have teeny tiny ones, ‘normal’ black ants too, if a little on the small side. But we have red ones, usually living in the palm trees I’ve noticed. They are aggressive, and quick. It only takes them about 5 minutes to find me after I sit down, because I am Enemy Number One on their hit list.
On Negros island they found me by traversing a clothes line wire, the little devils. Next thing I knew they were dropping on me from above, commando style. Here on Cebu island they send out their scouts the moment I sit down on the porch to write, or read the Bible. Oh they are casual enough...”see i’m just one ant, nothing to worry about,” but we all know that is just a ruse. Proof positive, when I try to squish a red one with my fingertip, they evade. Like a sixth sense.
I’ve learned not to leave my coffee cup unattended, because it will get swarmed if I wait too long to refill it. Mrs. Outpost has to keep her Nutella jar sitting in a bowl of water just to keep them at bay, so I have inadvertently dragged my wife into this. Sorry for that, babe.
I nearly escaped them for the brief 18 months I lived in China. Not only was it half way around the world, and across an ocean from our former battleground in Virginia, but I was further isolated by an all-concrete apartment building, in a concrete city. 14 floors up, and it was blissful for a while. But the Ant Network is not so easily defeated. Within six months they found me again, and I have this mental image of their little antennae sending signals from nest to nest across the planet, like the ‘twilight bark’ in 101 Dalmatians.
It is all my fault, you see. What did I know, just being nine years old? You’d think they could cut me some slack. It probably started with the magnifying glass. My cousin and I would gleefully sit on the sidewalk chasing down ants with that little circle of light. If you were careful, you could start out with a dime-sized circle, then shrink it as the ant started to slow down from the heat. Sizzle. Sometimes a pop.
But I got to be Enemy Number One because of my basketball. I was out back just bouncing it, see, and noticed these ants crawling around. Pretty soon I was bouncing the ball on them like target practice. Boomp, boomp, boomp. Another one bites the dust. Boomp, boomp, boomp. They were in a neat little trail, how could I resist? Right on back to the ant hill, which they were busy going in and out of. Boomp, boomp, boomp. Directly on top of that anthill. But I didn’t know the Queen had declared war from somewhere down in the nest.
All of a sudden, the anthill erupted like a volcano. Millions of ants, just pouring out of it in every direction. Me, frantically bouncing the ball trying to kill as many as possible. Me, losing ground and finally retreating from the onslaught. Me, kicking off my shoes and socks and slapping my legs. It was 1977, guys, can I at least make an appeal? Isn’t 46 years of this enough? Don’t bring my skateboard into this, that doesn’t count.
I have tried calling a truce, but now the ball is in their court. The lesson is, Readers, don’t pick on the little guy. They have found me in Bali, they have found me in Africa; they would probably find me in Antarctica. Forget about ever wanting to become an astronaut, they would have followed me to space. “My name is Antigo Montoya. You killed my great, great, great, great, great, great grandfather in Ant Lodge 13,600,202, Virginia. Prepare to die!”
But I’m drawing the line at Philippines. We have to share these islands, and I am committed to it.
Yes I was wrong, and I’m sorry. I will try to de-escalate the situation with the bug spray, if you will promise to just stay out of the kitchen. We don’t want any more trouble, guys, seriously. And I don’t even want to contemplate going to war with the cockroaches.
See? I’ve learned my lesson.
Peace be upon you in Christ, Readers. Watch where you step.
Visayas Outpost
Oh, thank you for the smiles this post brought me! The Lord's creatures are astonishing, and I too have had experiences with them similar to this. How I look forward to the next and final world in which we shall all be friends again!
Yikes! Who,knew ants bore grudges? That was a funny essay!